What do you have to give up in order to get what you want?

Some days.

Some days feel like this. Today was one of those days. Nothing flowed. Nothing felt open. I fought against it and then I relented and realized that some days you have to just stop trying and let it go.

Love is Love is Love is Love

Orlando is my hometown. A place where I spent formative years dancing in gay clubs. Places where my idea of what is possible expanded outside of the conservative suburb where I was raised. I can remember the freedom I felt when I walked into these places. It was acceptance on all levels and it was beautiful. The first time I ever saw drag queens and trannies and men kissing and my mind was blown and eyes were opened. The freedom, the beauty of a space that could exist for anyone to exercise a very true part of themselves and not be attacked or judged. It was BEAUTIFUL. I learned a lot in those years but one thing that always stands out is the love that existed in these spaces and communities. There was never an energy of judgment or otherness. There was just love. Let’s keep that going.

Nourish thyself.

Learn to cook something that involves searching new markets for ingredients you've never touched or tasted. Master your favorite dish.  Indulge in a bottle of wine that costs as much as a meal at your favorite restaurant. Put on a sexy dress, turn on some Tim Buckley, light a candle and give yourself some space to get sexy with your cooking. Do it when no one else is home and do it just for you.

What a well-mannered woman should wear

There is so much discussion in our society about a woman's appearance.  I could dedicate an entire blog to it and never run out of material.  Women are attacked for looking too bold, too boring, too slutty, too prudish, wearing too much make up or not enough (looking at you, Alicia Keys), too many tattoos, hair is too short, too long, butts are too big, too small, should I even mention boobs? Female politicians?  Forget about it. There's no way a woman in elected office can ever win. Even after she's won.  Rape and sexual assault victims are asked what they were wearing (this is called victim blaming and is in large part what lends itself to our rape culture), and in fact all of this social commentary on a woman's appearance creates a culture which continues to objectify the female body and detract from a woman's power and presence.

I love this blog post that's a response to all the memes we women get about what is age appropriate.

/https://warningcurvesahead.com/2016/06/04/24-things-women-over-30-should-wear/

What a well-mannered woman should wear is whatever the fuck she wants.

Master of One

Came across this today & it struck a chord:

"The way you do anything is the way you do everything". 

(makes me want to be more intentional in my mundane daily life)

Sitting still

For as long as I can remember I have been seeking quietude and peace. The pace of my New York life had ground down my best parts: my passions, my life force and sense of self.  I felt so out of touch I no longer recognized myself. Two weeks ago I moved to LA and found this haven. A space filled with light and trees.  I now wake up to the sounds of birds and stare out this window from my office. 

I am beginning to recognize myself again. 

LA vs NY

 After 2 years of mental ping pong debating the relentless NY vs LA pros and cons I finally made the jump. I was not one of those burned out New Yorkers who felt the need to turn the city into my enemy before I headed west.  No I was still a die hard New Yorker who felt as passionately about the city as ever.  I don’t believe you must give up one lover to appreciate the next.  I have enough maturity to realize they both offer up such beautiful gifts I’d be a fool not to respect their differences. But I will say that I left New York teary eyed & hesitant. I was in an amazing groove with an incredible and deeply connected crew of friends and collaborators. I lived in the best neighborhood in the city (in the smallest apartment in history) and experiencing the daily routines and rituals with Vivienne was really starting to feel like a community. BUT it felt almost impossible for me to slow down. The same intoxicating pulse of New York that gives you motivation and push when you’re ready to throw it all in is the very same energy that can knock you down so hard you need a week in bed to recover. New York has a magic that no other city in the world has.  There are other great big pumping dynamic cities but there is only one New York.  If you can make it here you can make it anywhere isn’t just a catchy Sinatra line, its truth. New Yorkers have more grit, depth and unshakable resilience than anywhere in the world. When I think about the NY vs LA rivalry I always think of Angelenos as a little soft because well, they are. But in that I’ve come to realize is a really refreshing openness, a kindness and slowed pace that feels warm and welcoming. I would not have appreciated this 10 years ago (or even 2) but at this place in my life I have been yearning for it. A week into my life in LA and I am learning to be less freaked out by strangers smiling or exchanging numbers with other parents a grocery store and to just enjoy the softness. 

Vulnerability is the truest part of life. 

Owning it.

I've realized it is completely impossible to be happy if you don't take responsibility for your life.

on representing flora

cy twombly

robert mapplethorpe

robert mapplethorpe

robert mapplethorpe

nick knight

nick knight

nick knight

nick knight

araki nobuyoshi

araki nobuyoshi

araki nobuyoshi

araki nobuyoshi

I declare.

DECLARATION OF SELF-ACCEPTANCE

I will not judge myself

 or degrade myself.

I will not blame myself for mistakes I made,

but atone and have mercy on myself

as I know God has mercy upon me.

I will not compare myself to others,

for I know God made me who I am for His purposes.

I will not put myself down,

for in doing so I put down God's creation. 

I know that as I am kinder to myself,

I will have more capacity for kindness to others

and they in turn will be kinder to me.

I will be easier on myself

than I have tended to be,

for no one knows more than I do

the pain that I have been through.

I realize that to love myself

is to love as God loves,

for He loves the world

and that includes me.

Amen

(Marianne Williamson)

Bold moves.

Finding inspiration in the clean lines and strong graphic forms Rafael de Cardènas' work.

Favorite things.

Vintage 501's & old school New York haunts. Rainy nights and windy days. Random run ins and subway scuttles that leave you bonded with your seatmate. Cold martinis and great conversation.  Unintenional trips down memory lane. Bustling French bistro's that feel like the last vestige of real New York. Dank smells and loud characters. Yellow cabs & sidewalk record sellers. 

Autumn light.

Occasionally I remember the healing power of standing in front of a painting and I find my way into a museum.   There are a few artists whose work I always find solace and a glimpse of grounded peace amidst the emotional yo-yo that is life. George Inness is one such artist whose landscapes always feel a bit like coming home. I won't attempt to describe it any further because really, I can't.  You'll just have to have a look for yourself.

Sometimes there is no better tonic than wandering the streets of New York alone. 

I learn so much from this little girl its incredible. Recently I was thinking about the way she sees the world. She has no understanding of negative energy or danger. So she sees every new face & every passing stranger as a potential friend, someone on her side. And you know, that's what she attracts. 

The divine law of attraction at work right there, again and again. Isn't that beautiful?

To the future

We must teach our children

To smell the earth,

To taste the rain,

To touch the wind,

To see things grow,

To hear the sun rise,

And night fall, 

To care.

-John Cleal

Note to self

       

Sometimes.

Sometimes when the going gets tough you just have to sit down and let it go.  Stop trying to figure it out.  Stop trying to think you have control and just let go, get quiet and listen to what your gut is trying to tell you.

Silve & gold

My friends are my life force, my surrogate family and most of the time the reason for my sanity & success.

I could not go a day without the love and support of my friends. They push me when I need it. They offer an open ear, heart and arms at all hours of the day and night.  I am grateful every day for these wonderful, deep, loving and gracious people in my life.  They are everything.